You Are Mine

As a current senior preparing to graduate in a few months, life feels pretty surreal right now.  I am an extreme planner, and have literally planned every minute of my life out and have always known what my plans were for future years.  Letting go of the control of my plans and letting God have control of my life has always been one of my biggest struggles.  And yet this year I have had to come to the realization that in about 5 months from now, I have no idea what is going to happen.

While before I have always had to give part of my plans up to God, I always knew I would be enrolled in school somewhere.  I knew I would either be living at home or at a college.  I knew that my life would be based on semesters, and that each semester, I had at least a little security of knowing what was going to happen for the next couple of months.  I had the security of rules, from living in my parents house and from going to a Christian college with strict regulations of what I could and could not do.  I knew what was expected of me, because my teachers gave me detailed syllabi and my biggest concern was finding out the exact details of a project.  Don't get me wrong, I still struggled with the control factor.  Each day I still felt like there were so many unknowns in my life, and I fought with God over control of what I wanted my life to look like.  But never before have I had absolutely no clue what was going to happen to me in a few months.  No idea where I would live, what kind of job I would have, if I would find any new friends, if any of my college friends would even care about me after I leave, and wishing with all of my heart that I could have one part of my life that I felt safe and secure in knowing that it would be there for me.

The realization that I no longer can see what my future looks like has hit me hard this year.  There have been many nights of sobbing myself to sleep, many afternoons of panic attacks over feeling my world start to spin around me, and many times where I couldn't even talk to God because in some ways, I think I blamed him for not revealing what the next step of my life should be. 

Over time, I have began to wonder who I even am.  Who am I when I don't have rules telling me what I can and can't do?  What do I really want to do with my life?  Where do I really want to live?  And with all of the information that I have had to cram in my head throughout all of these years of schooling, what do I truly believe?  Who do I trust?

This morning, as I went to chapel for the first time of this semester, I was not very focused.  I was tired and the information being presented was going in one ear and out the other.  However, as the sermon drew to a close, the worship team went up to play a few songs and my heart began to refocus on God, for one of the first times in a while.  And as I began to sing to my creator, my heart began to cry out to him, "I don't even know who I am anymore..."

As I cried out to him... I realized just how long it had been since I had really let myself talk to him.  And even as I said it, I realized how guarded my heart was.  Because I was losing my trust in him because he was not revealing things in my timing.  Because I didn't want to wait on his guidance... I wanted him to reveal his hand to me.  Right here, right now.  

But as I cried out to him, I began to hear his small still voice press upon my spirit.  And it just kept repeating the same words:  "You are Mine."   

It hit me so hard that I had to stop singing for a moment.  Because for the first time in months, I started to realize who I am.  It's ok that I don't know what the future holds.  It's ok that I don't even understand myself right now or know what I believe.  Because in the scope of life, the only thing I truly need to know about myself is that I am His.  

I am His.  Not that I was his, or that I will be his.  But right here, right now, and forever, I am His.  I am the daughter of the most high God who has an incredible plan for my life.  And in my moments of anxiety and confusion, I need to remember that as long as I know I am His, He will take care of the rest.  And as I continued to sing, the next worship song we sang

As I was writing this post, I was reminded of my favorite childhood song.  A song that as a child, I used to whisper to myself at night when I couldn't sleep because of the anxiety.  A song that I would sing through the tears streaming down my cheeks when I didn't understand what was going on in my life.  A song that still applies today.

I do not understand.  I can't see my way through.  I don't know what my next step is.  But I know that the battle is not mine, and that God is going to guide me through wherever He is taking me next. All I need to do is look to my God above who is guiding me with His love.  And remember that no matter what happens, I AM HIS.